The Algorithm Made Me Do It: A Post-Apocalyptic Water Cooler Chat

Another day, another breathless pronouncement that artificial intelligence is about to either solve world hunger or turn us all into paperclips. Frankly, I’m starting to think the only innovation left is inventing new ways to repackage the same old existential dread. Here at “AI is Mid,” we’re not buying it. We’re selling skepticism, one weary eye-roll at a time.

So grab your lukewarm coffee (the good stuff’s behind a SaaS paywall now), and let’s talk about the elephant in the server room: the utter banality of our so-called digital transformation.

Remember when “innovation” actually meant something other than “a slightly more efficient way to sell you things you don’t need”? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Now it’s all about “synergy” and “optimization” – words that sound impressive until you realize they just mean “doing the same soul-crushing work, but faster.” You used to be able to say you were 'busy' to get out of doing things. Now AI makes you 10x more productive at doing those things, and you never leave the office. Progress!

It used to be that you could use a long lunch as an excuse to slack off. Now that there is machine learning that can predict your next move, that is no longer an option. The only possible way out is to go completely rogue, get a new identity, and never look back.

Let’s not forget the true heroes of the age. No, not the billionaires launching themselves into space – the IT guys who secretly throttle the bandwidth on “mandatory team-building” Zoom calls. They are the unsung champions of the resistance. They are the people keeping us from drowning in a sea of virtual backgrounds and forced camaraderie. They deserve a medal, or at least a company-sponsored nap pod.

And what about this brave new world of “AI-powered” everything? The other day I saw an ad for “AI-powered” socks. Seriously? Are my socks now capable of sentience? Are they judging my questionable life choices as they cradle my feet? I wouldn't put it past them.

Of course, we can’t ignore the inevitable hype cycle. Every few months, a new miracle cure for all our problems emerges from the tech bro incubator. “Blockchain!” they cry. “NFTs!” they shriek. “The Metaverse!” they whisper seductively, like a digital snake oil salesman. And we, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, dutifully hand over our credit card numbers, hoping against hope that this time, it’ll be different.

Spoiler alert: it never is. But hey, at least we got some cool avatars out of it. I think.

Let's be honest, the most groundbreaking use of AI so far is generating endless streams of questionable art and cat videos. While it can also lead to other things, it is still far too early to judge whether this technology will be for the better or for the worse. For now, at least, it keeps us distracted from the looming climate catastrophe, the crumbling infrastructure, and the general sense that everything is about to go sideways. So, you know, thanks, I guess.

Speaking of distractions, have you listened to the AI podcast lately? It’s… something. Mostly people talking about the things AI is doing, things like 'prompt engineering', and things they call 'generative AI'. It’s like listening to a conference call on mute while someone explains quantum physics using only emojis. Riveting.

But here's the real kicker: all this technology, all this innovation, and what have we actually gained? More meetings? More emails? More reasons to feel inadequate because some algorithm says we’re not “optimizing our potential”?

The truth is, artificial intelligence isn’t some magical panacea. It’s just another tool. And like any tool, it can be used for good or for evil (or, more likely, for creating slightly more targeted advertising). It’s up to us to decide how we wield it.

So, the next time someone tries to sell you on the wonders of tech, remember to ask the hard questions. Remember to demand substance over hype. And, most importantly, remember to unplug every once in a while and go outside. The trees don’t care about blockchain, and the birds haven’t been replaced by drones (yet).

Until then, stay cynical, my friends. The revolution will not be algorithmized.

And if it is, at least we'll have some really cool memes to document the apocalypse.

And don't forget: AI is Mid.